I don't know why I'm even here.

But, writing takes away the remorse I feel.

The things you do in the past always come back to haunt you.
Despite how much you've changed, how much you've grown or how much you've learnt.
It'll always creep up when you least expect it.

I, for one, can say that I experienced this first hand.
And, probably, until the day I die.

But I guess that's just a reminder as to how vital decision making is in our lives, every single day.
The smallest of things can actually become the biggest of problems.

And everything seems to revolve around trust.
I realized today too, that, trust, to trust someone, whoever it may be, be it, family, your closest friends, your boyfriend, is the hardest thing to be completely sure of.
How can you really know that the secrets you share with to people, even the ones who you're closest to, will keep it entirely to themselves?
You can't.

Slips of the tongue happen.
But, can you really be furious at him or her?
I guess that, we really are all human, just human, at the end of the day.
Beings who will constantly tumble and fumble. It could've been you who did wrong, who accidentally spilled the beans about something you were supposed to keep to yourself. It could've been you who wished you had never did.

Whatever it is, lesson learnt

I have moved :) thank you Fief :)

http://itsthedetailsinthefabric.tumblr.com/

Prevention REALLY is better than Cure

This saddens me. So much that I cried watching it.
And some people find this funny. I don't know how that's at all humanely possible.
What has happened to the responsibility of parents today? REALLY-what?
This obviously is not at all the fault of this naive,ignorant child who doesn't know how to tell right from wrong. This one mistake that his father made by allowing his 18 month old son to try smoking has stripped this poor child of many opportunities that might arise for him in the future, a possibility of a long life; this baby has been stripped of his purity.

Today I found out that a new born baby was left hanging on the fence of the primary school, SK Damansara Jaya just around the corner of my house. Supposedly this was the act of a young teenage mother who couldn't deal with the responsibility that was now thrown on her as a result of a mistake she herself made.

The guard who parols around the neighbourhood found this new born soul.. dead.

Today was a truly insightful day. Filled with.. mixed feelings.
For some reason, the topic of conversation today revolved around future plans and things that are to come in the future, our NEAR future.
Needless to say that it is just a blink away. I don't know if that excites me.. or scares me. Not because I don't know what I want to do career wise or where I'm headed but the thought of starting anew and ending old routines and habbits makes me a tad bit nervous, just like the rest of the 17 year olds today, I'm sure.

Although I don't attend school very often, I am surprised to say this myself, but I am actually grateful for the ups and downs that I have had in DJ. Eventhough some of the downs I had are things I wish I could erase completely, but as all other trials and tribulations, they have only made me stronger, or so I hope. My 10 school years, 5 of which spent in DJ have been so different from year to year. I have made many different friends, and lost some on the way too but I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I think these past 2 years have been my transition years. I felt like I had to change and to change my surroundings in order to better myself. Some might agree, some might disagree but at that point in my life, during the final months of my Form 3 year, I had to. For the sake of my family, for the sake of my dignity and for the sake of my personal progress. I was clearly at my lowest of lows during my 15th year. I didn't really disclose my true feelings and showed what I really was going through to many people in my life at that time because to be quite honest, I was ashamed. So I branched out a little from my current group of friends, no not because I didn't think they were good people but just because I needed to start fresh and get my head straight again. To some, I could have done it even with the same surroundings but I at the time, I just desperately needed a new environment to help me find clearly what my priorities should be.

The one thing I realised today that has the most reason as to why I choose to put importance to good influence and surroundings is, my baby sister. I can't just live life carelessly, trying to make the most of my youth the way many other youth do today-not referring to all youth.
I, now, have to live my life trying my best to be an example to her, hoping and praying that she doesn't make the same mistakes that I did.

Everyday, I remind myself how lucky I am and how appreciative I am for the things that have happened in my life. And for the people that have come in and out of my life and the events that have taken place in my 17 years of living, good and bad, I am grateful for every,single,thing. Because without it all, I most definitely would not be who I am today.

I haven't been here in so long. Been so busy!

Today, I skipped school to work on what to present at my interview to hopefully be chosen as one of the 24 PJ Child Councillors. So nervous, but this excites me. I'm so proud of PJ because we are the FIRST city in Malaysia to hold the Children's Forum that MBPJ organised in June last year. We are also the first city to launch the on going goal to become A Child Friendly City and believe me, it's not just about the cleanliness and protection of the children of the city, it goes way beyond this. We are also the first ever city in Malaysia to have a Child Council.

How exciting is that?!

I told myself last year, that I will not let opportunities like this pass me by.

So, I attended the Children's Forum and to be honest, the first one was a little more for the young kiddies. But we,older youth brought this up to MBPJ and suggested to have another forum where it's focus could be more on hearing what we have to say, our suggestions and opinions, and to have consultation among the youths and adults. This one, worked out really well. The idea of a Child Council came from the youth at this very same forum.
And true enough, it's really happening.

I love the fact that I really am seeing the changes and growth in this city. These changes might not be as drastic as I or you would like it to be, but we have to start somewhere. The whole point of sustainable development is to have longevity, to sustain itself throughout the years. And that requires small and steady steps of growth.
In my opinion, we ARE heading in that direction and that's what's important.

--I'm keeping my fingers crossed for this Saturday :)

Naw Ruz '10

Naw Ruz

This year was by far THE best Naw Ruz i have ever experienced. I cannot remember a time where the community was as high spirited as this. Everyone was so happy, I speak for myself as well ofcourse. This year's fasting month and Naw Ruz was a good one, the best to me. God willing the rest of the year will be as happy, joyful and enlightening as this.

KING YANG. Foxy Mama ;) HAHA

I will remember this till the day I die, I WILL :')

Happy Naw Ruz everyone! <3

Have a great year ahead. Allah-u-abha :)

In the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you.

Spending the evening reminiscing on my favourite childhood times : singing to good old Disney soundtracks.

What more can I ask for :)

I feel more grateful everyday.

I look around me and everything I see, reminds me how much I have that I should be grateful for.

I love what my life is and what it revolves around.
I love my family. I'm so lucky to have been born in this family.
I love my Faith, I feel.. lucky to know that I've been given this bounty. I'm so grateful to be one of the early Baha'is in this world. Yes, there are Baha'is all over the world. The second fastest growing religion in the world, after over one and a half centuries. And I am truly happy to be a part of this Cause.
I love my cousins, the people I know that I'm bonded with for life, the people I grew up with, the people that have walked the same path of service I've walked, and the memories of doing all of that.. together.
I love my friends. I love how after all these years, I'm happy about where I am and who I spend my time with. I love the fact that we aren't at all anything close to similar when it comes to style, personality or character, but what keeps our bonds tight are the values and principles we share.
I love how my Grandpa sends us random emails to remind us the little things that we tend to forget. I love my grandparents.
I love Shayna. I love Sunil and I love Sonia for being people that I trust with my life. For being the cause of my happy days, my never ending laughter and even my sad days. I love that they never turn their backs on me no matter what I do. I know that they will always love, support, encourage and make me a better person. I know that they have my absolute best interest in mind. Not just because they are my siblings, but because they are.. my best friends.
I love that my life is purposeful. I love that I have a certain purpose to fulfill in this life. Something so powerful, something I'm truly blessed with.

Everything I see and experience everyday that makes me feel this way, the things that put good tears in my eyes, the things that make me excited, the things that make me feel like I have butterflies in my stomach, the things that amaze me, and the people that touch my lives are all images and reflections of God.  

I'm a true believer in hope and faith. Things will have to get worse before it can get better. But, that's okay because I know that things WILL get better and really, things do. 

but why?

everything I said above, that's why.
that's what keeps me going.

last week of the fast, don't pass too quickly, please? :')

What made my day today was..

 

having Mommy SURPRISE me by coming home early :') Mommy planned the whole thing with Papa. you evil, EVIL parents :p

I was using the computer when I heard the bell ring. Aunty Ellen opened it, and I heard her say "Madam! you're home!" I was so confused, I thought I heard it wrong. I ran downstairs only to find my mommy walking up the front porch.
thank goodness she's home.
our household is finally back to normal!

2007 : London

LOVE:)

I need mommy right now :'(

People that always leave me with a smile on my face and good tears in my eyes :

yesterday night was :')

I LOVE you fam.

The Fasting Month

So, it's the 3rd day of the fasting month.

I was at Navin's mom's house for break fast on the first day, and ofcourse, Grandpa spoke a little about what the fast means. We often equate the fast with spirituality ofcourse, but I think most of the time it becomes more material than spiritual. Sometimes I forget the mere essence and reason behind why we fast, but that Tuesday night, Grandpa helped me remember. Because of fasting, and because it is, IF we don't think it through, a material hardship. What I mean is that, well, we start to feel hungry, thirsty,etc and most of the time, that almost becomes a veil to me forgetting what the fasting month is really all about because really, sometimes I forget and I tend to want to just get through the day as quickly as possible to break fast :/

Yes, we abstain from food and drink from the break of dawn until the sun sets at night. Yes, we have to resist all temptations of wanting to satisfy our hungry bellies during the midday, but I think it's not just abstaining from these material things. At the end of the fasting month, after having resisted the temptations materially, I think it would help me resist the worldly temptations that we face in our every day lives. It makes us people with stonger will power, it'll make me a stronger person I hope.

The purpose of the fast, now, to me, is to help us mould ourselves to become better people and to start the year holding on to and practicing the new things that we might've not learnt if it wasn't for the fasting month.

And yes, some people might ask, "Why can't you practice those virtues everyday of the year?", "Why have a specific fasting month to only realise the things that you can realise even without the fasting month?", "Shouldn't we know and do this everyday already?"

and well.. Yes.

But we are all only human, and well.. unfortunately, I think everybody needs a good reminder. I know I do. The fasting month is that to me.

Have a good 16 days left :)

And Ma, if you're reading this, I miss you! and I hope you're having a good time fasting in cold cold New York :)

Break fast with the youth and Juan tonight :') cant.wait!

Ayyam-i-ha '09

Happy HAPPY Ayyam-i-ha :)

Shayna got Uncle Sha'in's gift which I thought was genius, he gave her a plant. Very in sinc with his Duniaku environmental programme :)

my boo boo's :)

Ayyam-i-ha yesterday was perfect.

This year felt extra special. Lots more smiles, laughter, and I think everyone was very charitable :)

These are the days that I look forward to most in the year. It's just something about these days that makes me constantly smile. Maybe it's the old traditions, reigniting memories since I was a little kid, singing the Ayyam-i-ha song(that's my favourite part (: ) and I love it when we're all together, happy, excited, thankful to just be around each other. I'm always happy when I'm with the community, my ever so amazing community :)

This year's fasting month is going to be a little different than the years before. Mommy's in New York for a United Nations conference, Papa's leaving for Vietnam tomorrow for work and yes, that means they won't be with us for the fist week of the fasting month :(

So, it's just us kiddos.

Waking up at 5 every morning, helping Aunty Ellen cook breakfast for open fast, set the table, say our prayers, and have a good breakfast before dawn. Some people might despise the thought of having to fast, but I love the fasting month. It's on the last 19 days of the year, the last Baha'i month before we celebrate Nawruz.

I feel like it's to help kick start the new year. To remind us of our priorities, of our purpose, to be thankful, to remember to rely on God. It reminds me that the sacrifices I make are nothing close to what the prophets had to go through for the sake of humanity. It makes all my problems seem so trivial, and it gives me strength to know that, if so many other people can sacrifice and go through such hardships for the sake of the Faith, I can get through the little trivial problems I'm facing now.

The fasting month isn't only for us to practice these virtues during the fasting month itself, but also to remind us to put it to practice throughout the upcoming year.

Hopefully, I will, I'll try my very best :)

Just two more days till the fasting month begins.

So, Allah'u'abha to all the Baha'is around the world :)

Have a good two last days of Ha, and have a great fasting month ahead :)

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be.

:')

This week's been a good week :) REALLY HEH.

I think everyone masks how they truly feel. Or maybe it's just me, being a little defensive. Do you?

Anyway, i think it's time I get serious about SPM. It might be somewhat trivial to some, but to me, I think I really need to do well, to at least TRY to get a schollarship, help the parents a little.

I need to take things seriously now,mhm!

Visualising starts today. Goodbye distractions, hello books!

& oh yes, Ayyam-i-ha's in a week, which also means that the fasting month is just around the corner. Just when I needed a good relaxing, reflecting atmosphere to remind myself about my priorities and to be grateful for what I have around me, it comes right at me,yay:)

I love March.

for FIEFIE

Fie's party :

Sang for you cause you asked :')

I love this picture, I love you guys! heh:)

and you, my Batai fam:)

I hope your birthday turned out the way you wanted it to be.

I love you so much Fie :')

All I need.

Maybe I don't have quantity but I have quality.

and maybe I don't have as many as you do, but aren't we all different, and well, I'm going to be appreciative about the diversity in all our lives. I will never be like you, I will probably never have the same things you do, I might not see things the way you see it, but that's okay, because I'm happy about where I am, what I have, where I'm going and who I am.

Yes I've made mistakes but haven't we all?

"Breathe not the sins of others so long as thou art thyself a sinner"

Forgiveness isn't easy. Probably one of the hardest things in life, but I'm going to buck up the will and courage to do it anyway even if you don't care, even if you don't do the same because I don't want to ever live my life knowing that I held a grudge towards another person, I will never have ease of mind. So I'll change my ways but at the same time, stay true to who I am and what I believe in.

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On a lighter note, today's the 11th of Feb -

Two very important people are another year older;

Gramps who has turned 29 yet again! haha (he turns 79 today) :p

and Pradheep, my confidant, my dose of laughter, my best best friend :')

Him and I sorta lost touch last year. We just.. stopped talking as much after awhile and well maybe that's because of our little downfall the year before. We've been through a million things, a million ups and downs, seriously but what I realised this year is that despite us not talking, despite having conflicts in the past, despite our crazy situations or well my crazy situations, he never once and I mean it when i say NEVER stopped caring, he never failed to be there for me when I needed him. I think I took that for granted before but I never will again :) and to see him grow so much this year and last has made me really happy, because really, he is an amazing guy, an amazing friend :')

and Nuraina Afiqah, I love you cooking mate! Tomorrow's(the 12th of Feb) your birthday and well, an early wish to you la kay. I think the both of us never expected to be as close as how we are now. I don't think anyone expected it, but well, life isn't planned right? and I'm happy things worked out the way it did, because I've learned things from you guys this year and last that I have never before. Despite your utter crazy ways, your retarded gestures, your loud loud weird noises that you make, you're an amazing friend, a best friend :')

We never let distance and the fact that we might not always be able to talk get in the way of our friendship. We're low maintainence friends aren't we? and well, maybe it doesn't work for other people, but it works for us and at the end of the day, that's what matters :)

You've taught me to embrace who I am and not to be afraid to just be myself. You've always supported the things I do and showered me with so much love and happiness and I sayang you so much, Fie :)

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Joy radiates from me today. I'm a happy girl.

I sometimes feel like I have to show that I'm strong.

I think I'm dead scared of being vulnerable and insecure.

For some reason, I look up to people who are able to show their insecurities and vulnerability to the rest of the world. Unfortunately, I don't find it as easy as many other people do.

I often feel like I'm the only one feeling this, though I know that other people feel it too, and I do, I do try telling myself that it's okay because I'm not really alone, I'm not the only one feeling this, but that still doesn't take away what I feel.

So many things I wish I could change, but I don't want to keep holding onto something that I want to change but might not be able to. It really does kill me inside sometimes, I just.. don't show it. I'm scared to. I'm scared that if I do show it, I won't receive the reaction I want. Yeah, not good, I know, I shouldn't have such expectations. I'm just afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of trying too hard and then feeling insecure because I might not have gotten the reaction I wanted.

My intentions are/were never to hurt, never to ruin anything, never, really. I just handled some things wrong.

I didn't realise this before. Unlucky me, the realisation came a little too late.

What am I to do. We live, we learn,right?

So there, I'm going all out, I'm going to be vulnerable, I'm going to say what I really feel and not always put up a strong wall.

and I actually feel alot better now.

Venting is good.

good weekend ahead, please.

On another note, my love and prayers are with the Iranian Baha'is. Court trial is dated for Saturday. Such bravery brings me to tears.

Last Request.

Newest obsession thanks to Zhien.
Paulo Nutini! :)

good day,peeps!

I'm so used to being certain about my future. I'm not that certain anymore.

I just want to know, that when I make that decision about what my future career path will be, that it is the right one and not just to settle for mediocracy. To me, it's a huge deal, and we all know this already I guess, but we still only have one chance, and when I do it, I want to do it right.

Homework for this weekend : research interesting jobs! with the hope of finding what I'm looking for.

Papa's birthday is in exactly two minutes :)
Happy Birthday Paps! Love you :)

YAWA is awesome.

Another "STAND UP FOR CHANGE ; An Open Mic Night" event was held last Sunday and it was so good. I didn't organise it this time, a bunch of young adults did with the help and support of my dearest Mommy :)

photos taken from Alayna's cam :) (thankyou!)

we performed "Zombie by the Cranberries" again but we switched it up a little with Ally and Zhien this time, so last minute! but so much fun :)

The one performance that stood out for me was by this youth group called YAWA(Yayasan Anak Warisan Alam)

(yup, this is them (: )

They're an environmental group that make instruments out of recyclable material, yes they MADE the instruments ALL BY THEMSELVES, (how superbly awesome is that?!) and they play percussion music. They were the last performance that day, and really, they were so good and so energetic and just so much fun to watch and to participate with! and for people with no background in percussion music, they were BEYOND good, no joke! They made us all stand up and do little routined claps with them, ha ha alot of fun, i was smiling and giggling all the way through :)

So okay, I'm talking too much again. Just watch the video, this one was 2 years ago (I dont have one of the performance on Sunday :( ), they have improved tremendouslyyyy since then I assure you, but such good work anyway :)

I'd LOVE to join, but ah, beats and me, well, we just.. don't work too well together.

hehe.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

First week of school - over.

School hasn't been so bad,actually. I don't mind it as much now.

Another thing I must stick to this year : GOING to school he he :p

but to think that the year didn't start off too well, it doesn't exactly make me jump for joy, but I always know..

that with crisis comes victory and now that, that keeps me going.

happy new year, all.

tomorrow's the day when the new year really kicks in : school :/

Let love open the door.

Another year, this is quick.

Mommy said my 16th year was by far my best :') I hope I did good enough.

This year was different to me than every other year because I felt like I was spending my time productively.

I realised that in my years of youth, I want to make the most out of the precious time I have, considering that when we're older, we won't have the same amount of time that we're gifted with now, and I don't want to throw it to waste.

Time is something I treasure.

The opportunities I was given this year made this year that more special ;

the children's forum,

serving at Mentari :),
following Uncle Sha'in to Pure Life Society,
the few workshops we held at the DJROA centre for youth,
the leadership camp that I will never ever forget, it'll be stuck with me forever :)


The quote by Mahatma Ghandi relates so much to me this year, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."

That's my quote for 2009 :)

2008 wasn't exactly my best year, I guess I just took things for granted, and I don't think I really understood who I was and what I should be doing, but all that changed as soon as 2009 came. I finally got my head straigh, thank God, after going to Mentari; my constant reminder to lead a good life.


The one thing I loved about 2009 is that, my siblings and I are so much closer than we've ever been before.
and that, means more to me than anyone can understand because my love for them exceeds anything in this world :)

My relationship with Mummy has been more than I could ever wish for, Mommy's been my constand guidance, my number one go to person, THE person I want to emulate.
And.. actually, I would have never been able to pick myself up after my downfall in '08 if it wasn't for Mommy's endless love for me. Mommy really is the most compassionate person I know. Haih :) I love you so much,Ma.

Papa's been my good dose of laughter everyday. Whenever he comes home, the house just lights up, everyone smiles and is suddenly so much more energetic :) He's got that sorta vibe. His tough love but soft heart is such an interesting balance, I love that about Papa. My young hearted Papa, I love you :)

Another thing I realised is that, my holidays was spent mostly with my cousins. I can't count the many things we did together this year, let alone this holidays. Every moment spent you guys is something I treasure :)
From serving together in Mentari, from singing together in NawRuz, or just singing together for fun(acapella times (: ), going for camps together, doing Ruhi, PENANG :'),EMPOWER programmes, new year's eve, our ocassional movie dates, and the other countless things that I can't seem to remember now > :)

The new and old friends I met this year contributed to a good year. Although I don't exactly spend much time with my friends, my appreciation for what they've done for me, or just their presence in my life is never forgotten.
A certain few have made my life so much happier, so much more interesting and exciting.
Whatever it is, although I don't say this much or I guess I just haven't been around but I appreciate the little things and the big things that everyone has done for me. Everything that happened, or that you guys have done has helped me become the person I am today :) and well I don't pick and choose who I love, I'm just glad to have everyone that I've met this year, everyone that has been there for me, the times when I'm out with any of you, the times when any of you make my life that little bit better by just having a conversation.
To anyone and everyone who has crossed my path, thank you :)

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So, today's the start of a new year.

Usually I'd think about my resolutions while watching the fireworks, but this year, I just don't have any.

I'm just going to take it day by day.

All I know is that I want to make the most out of this year : to be optimistic about what's to come, to lead a good life, to remember to love everybody, to just be a friend to everyone as much as I can, to remember to never take my family for granted, and yes, to do well in the upcoming exams; time to prove to myself that I do have it in me,

and to just be happy.


To a good,happy, joyous year.